Eight years ago I began a journey. I began a journey to become a parent. It didn’t take long. After only seven months (it seemed like much longer to me) of trying, I was staring at a positive pregnancy test. I didn’t do anything cute or romantic to tell my husband that we were going to be parents. I walked from the bathroom to the bedroom with the test and stared at it as the result came up. It soon became clear, and to my own astonishment, I said, “There are two pink lines on this thing.” To which, my husband replied, “What?” And I answered, ever so eloquent, “There are two pink lines on this thing.”
Thus began my journey. My first pregnancy was not easy. But I have heard of many harder ones. Our daughter was born 2 1/2 weeks early, and despite having the cord wrapped around her throat, was perfectly healthy besides some low blood sugar and jaundice.
When our daughter was about one year old, my husband and I decided that it was time to try for another baby. We both grew up in large families with children fairly close together. As we began to try again, another leg of my journey, our journey began.
It was a year and a half before I got pregnant again. I didn’t know I was pregnant until the day I was taken in for emergency surgery for a ruptured ectopic pregnancy. The result of that pregnancy was that I had 50 percent less chance of getting pregnant than I had before and a 15 percent increased chance of having another ectopic pregnancy. Ectopic pregnancies (or tubal pregnancies) don’t always rupture, when caught early enough, but they don’t work out, either.
About a year and a half later (again) I got my positive pregnancy test. I was nervous, but I had never gotten a positive test with the ectopic, so this pregnancy seemed more like my first. I tried to keep it a secret from most people until the three month grace period was over, but I didn’t last that long. I told more people than I intended to.
Because of my past history, I had early sonograms. I went in for my eight week sonogram and I knew what they were going to say before they told me. It is policy for the hospital to send you back to your doctor for the news. I suppose there is a reason for this, but to me it seemed almost cruel to make my husband and I get back in the car and drive across the street, to wait in a waiting room again, for them to tell me that my baby and passed away.
The next day I had a D&C which I’d never heard of before. So many ways people must be suffering that I know nothing about.
Two years later, my husband got new insurance and I got a new doctor. This doctor suggested a laperoscopy (something else I’d never heard of and still can’t spell) to determine whether I had endmetriosis. (You guessed it, I never heard of that, either). The surgery discovered that I do have endmetriosis. A disease that is painful and makes it harder to get pregnant and makes ectopic pregnancies more likely than in woman without the disease. They informed me that the next 3 to 6 months would be the length that the surgery would be effective. In other words, “that’s how long you have to get pregnant.”
It has been nine months since my surgery and I have began another step. Fertility drugs. I have been taking them for two months now. Last month my pregnancy test was negative. I have seen a lot of those in the past six years. It is scary and frustrating and hard. But I have also been very blessed throughout this journey.
I know God gives us only what he knows we can handle (with His help, of course). I believe that is why I got my daughter before all of this began. She is my dream come true. I have a husband who supports and takes care of me. I have extended family all around and friends who understand. Even those that can’t understand are great at listening. Yes, I have been blessed. My life has been saved. My heart has been comforted by Priesthood blessings as my heart broke for my lost child. I have found solace in scripture and in love and in hope.
As hard as it is sometimes, I know that my Heavenly Father knows my name. He knows the name of the little one I didn’t get to hold, and He watches over us both and over my husband and daughter. I pray for His strength and peace as I continue my journey through life.